REVIEW: 47 Ronin

“47 Ronin” is based on a true story that didn’t involve witches or demons or dragons. Here is a rough summary of the historical incident from the early 18^th century.

Asano Naganori, a young daimyo (warlord) from Ako, was ordered to Edo (modern-day Tokyo) to pay his respects to the shogun (military dictator). This was a prohibitively expensive requirement the shogun put into effect to prevent any daimyo from amassing enough wealth to threaten his regime. In Edo Castle, Asano was instructed in etiquette for receiving the shogun by a courtier named Kira Yoshinaka. Kira somehow insulted Asano, which led Asano to drawing a dagger and attacking Kira, the latter receiving a superficial wound to the face. The penalty for breaking the law of drawing a weapon in Edo Castle was death by hara-kiri. After Asano’s death, his samurai (soldiers) were left without a master. Master-less samurai were known as ronin.

The warrior’s code dictated that Asano’s men, led by his counsellor, Oishi Kuranosuke, were to avenge their master by killing Kira. However, Kira’s palace was heavily guarded, and spies kept watch over Oishi and his men to ensure they didn’t try to take revenge. Oishi then began an elaborate ruse to convince Kira he had no intention of getting revenge. He divorced his wife and spent his days drinking and frequenting brothels. He eventually convinced everyone he was a deadbeat who had hit rock-bottom.

After two years, Kira finally let his guard down. Oishi led Asano’s ronin to Edo, where they stormed Kira’s palace, slaughtering many people inside. They finally found Kira cowering in a storage unit. They asked him to commit hara-kiri, but he refused, so they held him down and cut off his head using the same dagger Asano used to kill himself. The 47 ronin then presented Kira’s head to their master’s grave and then turned themselves in to the law. They were ordered to commit hara-kiri.

Little of this happens in “47 Ronin.” The movie is about a “half-breed,” Kai (Keanu Reeves, who is part Chinese), who ends up a servant to Asano. Some things happen involving a giant troll-man and Asano commits hara-kiri. The 47 ronin plot revenge, but Kira (Tadanobu Asano, “Mongol”) has allied himself with a shape-shifting witch (Rinko Kikuchi, “Pacific Rim“). Oishi (Hiroyuki Sanada, “The Wolverine“), is assisted heavily by the fictional character Kai in the ronin’s surprise attack on Kira.

To help you understand how offensive and idiotic this movie was in concept and execution, imagine if the tables were turned. Imagine the Japanese decided to make a movie about the gunfight at the O.K. Corral, but they changed the story beyond recognition, removing the most resonating parts of the true story, included elves, witches, dragons and goblins, cast a part-European Asian actor as the lead, cast several A-list American actors, but then had them stumble through Japanese dialogue.

This is the third movie rendition of the tale of the 47 ronin, and the first to cost $175 million (not including marketing, which by appearances, this movie got a huge push from the studio). If Kenji Mizoguchi and Kon Ichikawa, two of Japan’s best directors, struggled to bring the story to the screen, what made Universal Studios think some random guy off the street (Carl Rinsch, best known for his work on nothing ever) could do better?

The movie did have some nice imagery, such as the moss-covered Great Buddha of Kamakura set into a hillside. But this was fleeting and already included in the movie’s ads.

Here is a list of things you could do rather than see “47 Ronin”:

• See “Anchorman 2,” which was released the same day
• Watch Kurosawa’s “Seven Samurai”
• Read A.B. Mitford’s retelling of the 47 Ronin in his 1871 book, “Tales of Old Japan,” available for free on the Amazon Kindle
• Get a head start on your taxes
• Redo your taxes from previous years and cut the government a check for any money you forgot to pay them
• Stare at a wall